From the Trenches, With Love
Dear Mama,
Could we trade war stories?
Last night, the fighting on my front reached a fever pitch. In the thick of it, I sent up a flare signal:
“I don’t usually post updates like this, but would y’all please pray for Carson, Ben, and I? She has been inconsolable tonight, screaming and crying like nobody’s business. It’s painful for everyone. Tonight has been a very dark one for me, there’s a spiritual battle raging. If you would, please pray for peace and rest for all of us.”
My sweet girl wasn’t to blame. She couldn’t help her tired body or her aching stomach. But as her cries grew more frantic, I felt myself losing patience. Losing gentleness. Losing grace. Losing ground.
The Enemy’s war cry was deafening:
Doesn’t this just infuriate you? Why would God put you in this position? What kind of mother are you? You can’t even comfort your little girl. You are helpless to calm her cries. You’re getting angry at an 8 month old. And you thought you were becoming a godly mom. Just look at you. Be selfish. Be self-entitled. You can’t handle this challenge. If only you could live your life without anyone else in your way. You would be so much happier. You would be so much better off. What a mess you’ve gotten yourself into.
He snarled those threats in my ear, and worse.
My soul was in his sights. Shots were fired. Bombs exploded. I was caught in the crosshairs. It looked like the devil’s work. It smelled like sulfur.
You see, motherhood has been making me more like Jesus. And I don’t think Satan is happy with it. This spiritual oppression (is there another word?), my husband says, is not a sign that I’m failing at motherhood. It’s a sign that I’m succeeding as a Christian.
So many comrades-in-arms came around me with sweet, refreshing encouragement in the midst of the fray. Bandaging the shrapnel wounds to my heart. Have you ever received a prayer text? They are wonderful blessings of the digital age. One sweet friend prayed these words over me from hundreds of miles away, “God in the midst of this, would we be reminded of how often we, as your children, run screaming and crying to you, unable to be consoled. I pray Father that you would shine amongst the darkness.”
Yes, Lord. Yes and Amen.
When you are tempted to despair that the Enemy has won, unveil your face. Behold the Lord. (2 Corinthians 3:18) “In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” (Romans 8:37)
Solider on, battle buddy, solider on.
From the trenches, with love.
Victoria
I’m not a mother, but I can (at least in a small way) relate to these words. Right now, menstrual depression has decided to rear it’s ugly head again after a couple months of it missing (why didn’t it stay gone!). I feel like the worst looser to walk the earth–feelings of rejection, having nothing but sin in my life, just wanting to curl up and not interact with a single soul. I can’t even get myself to study for the test this Thursday.
I’ll be thinking of you and know that I’m not alone. Can you say a prayer for me?
Thank you so much for sharing, Catherine. That’s a tough road as well. I’ll be praying for you. For each look at your sin, take ten looks at Christ.
“is not a sign that I’m failing at motherhood. It’s a sign that I’m succeeding as a Christian.” Yes. So much yes.
We’ve had a so-bad-it-could-be-a-sitcom comedically horrible year. My husband reminds me of this often. I seriously wonder at my little faith, sometimes (and where the heck does he get his giant-sized portion?). When he reminds me of this truth, I admit I have outrightly stuck my tongue out at Satan a time or two. Haha.
Sarah M
Yes and Amen!!!!!!!!